Facing my unknown.

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Planning ahead is good. It maintains organisation. It provides vision. It cultivates motivation. I was a big planner. I remember having my wedding planned out by the age of 10 years old and discussing it with my best friend as we lay in her bed at a sleepover one night. I was going to be 21, have the perfect blonde haired, blue-eyed, tall, tanned, and toned man, who treated me like a princess, and we would get married barefooted on a Hawaiian beach with every single one of my family and friends present! I also had my career planned out by the time I was a young teenager. I was going to go to the University of Cambridge to study Medicine, become a General Practitioner and most probably find a cure for cancer along the way.

They were the most perfect plans right?! But that’s the thing about planning ahead — the plan can seem so perfect…then life actually happens.

"The unknown can tend to creep up on you when you least expect it.”

I’ve had to face the unknown more than once in my 32 years of life. But the most significant unknowns have been during the last few years. And as we, the world, face a daily unknown together right now, I thought you might like to hear some insight I have gained from my experiences.

I dated the guy of my dreams for a long time in my late teens through to my later twenties. Life during this time wasn’t necessarily easy as we navigated the ups and downs of life together, including the pressure and stress of my medical studies, and some pretty major health struggles. But we became best friends in love, with a vision for our future together, and I was ready for my wedding on the beach after I finished medical school.

The unknown can tend to creep up on you when you least expect it. Life can be going according to plan then, in a moment, something unexpected happens and shatters the plan, leaving a sense of disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, anxiety, and turmoil. None of these feelings are pleasant. And they certainly weren’t in that moment. The moment I lost my love and my dream and my future in an instant.

Foundations, I have discovered, are crucial in a time of unknown. Building your life on foundations that are unshakeable is the only way to withstand the chaos of the unknown when it comes.

I know of only one unshakeable foundation. God.

Because when money becomes diminished, possessions are no longer available, social lives are unavailable, education and exams are cancelled, jobs are unstable, popularity changes, traditions decay, reason is faulty, and emotions lie, He is the only one that remains.

“I went from having a life of certainty where I could predict the next five to ten years, to sitting in a place where my life had a giant question mark over it.”

So then what?! Well, after my heart was a little less raw, I entered into a pretty big unknown that involved a move to another country just 17,000km across the world from what had been, and what was planned to be, my home. And the rest is history. Because, if you don’t know me, you would probably be able to tell from many of my social media pictures (mainly of friends, surfboards and the beach!) that this unknown journey ended positively!!

That’s not all I want to share with you though. Remember my other big plan from my younger years? Well I was starting to figure out at this stage that life probably couldn’t be planned out as much as I wanted it to be. And my adventurous nature enjoyed the increased flexibility that came with the lessons life had taught. However I was still working as a doctor (a vocation that had definitely benefited my adventure so far) and I was now planning to become a Paediatrician.

“How do we wait well in these uncomfortable seasons?”

Life was good. And maybe that’s how it has been for you in recent times. But then the hardships start rolling in, the struggles begin to appear, storm clouds gather, and disappointment after disappointment takes place. And life no longer looks how you thought it might. Another unknown arrives. For me, it was as I finally made the decision to walk away from medicine, after 13 years of pouring my heart and soul into its life-encompassing grasp. And this time, I was faced with the biggest unknown of my life — what now?! Everything I had known seemed to be gone in a second, and I went from having a life of certainty where I could predict the next five to ten years, to sitting in a place where my life had a giant question mark over it.

And I sat in that place for a while. Months in fact.

Ambiguity often comes and stays with no end in sight, leaving the day to day a mix of mundane and perplexity. So how do we wait well in these uncomfortable seasons? I have found that being okay with the question mark involves a few key elements.

I have learnt to ride the waves of life — physically and metaphorically!! What I mean by this is my commitment to plan ahead has disappeared. Instead, you’ll often find me out in the surf not knowing what is coming next, and not needing to know. This wasn’t an easy adjustment and took time to change, but was so so worth it as now life comes with an ease that didn’t exist before.

I have learnt to wonder again. When we are young children, our minds are filled with wonder at almost everything as if we are seeing it for the first time. Curiosity is ingrained deep into our beings, but the world can steal this with its constant bombardment of information and knowledge. When you don’t know what’s next, the wonder for what could be returns, and it feels pretty magical.

“Cling on to hope.”

I have learnt it’s okay not the know the answers. “I don’t know” becomes the most common part of my vocabulary during a time of unknown as people ask all the standard questions. “What’s next?” “I don’t know.” “Where will you live?” “I don’t know.” “What will you do?” “I don’t know.” “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know.” “What are your options?” “I don’t know.” Etc. Etc.

I used to think not knowing the answers was a flaw. Now I know it’s not. In fact, there are so many things I don’t know. But I do know a God who is omniscient with answers to the questions we are not even aware how to ask yet. He is found in the depths of the uncertain and is perfect at making a way through the unknown. So my trust is in Him and I pray for all of you who are struggling at this time.

I have learnt that hope is crucial when facing the unknown. I have struggled with a lack of hope (if you read my first blog you will learn more about that time of my life). It was dark, lonely, and somber. I would not wish it on anybody else, and if you are currently in a similar place, I am truly sorry. I can tell you that I am out the other side. There is an end. It is coming. Even if you cannot see it.

If you are without hope, or you are in the extreme depths of your unknown right now, you need to know it will be okay, whatever the outcome.

You need to ride the waves — cry when you need, smile or laugh when you can, take each moment as it comes. You need to learn to wonder again — don’t fight the curiosity when it yearns inside. You need to know that God is with you and for you in this, so not knowing is okay because He knows, and you can lean on Him as a steadfast foundation.

And cling on to hope, even if there’s only a faint glimmer left. The faintest glimmer can turn into the brightest spark.

Let me leave you with this. Psalm 91 from the New International Version.

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

My unknown was once uncomfortable. Can you discover life-restoring peace during uncertainty like I have?

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I didn’t really think I would write another blog. But again the words started forming in my mind and begged to be released. It seems the whole world right now is in a season of unknown. And if the things I have learnt can be of any help during this time, it’s worth it. I have a heap of friends with access to professional knowledge and resources also, and if that would be of help to you, please contact me.

I would also suggest the significance of connection during this time of social distance and isolation. It is ironic that technology and social media have come under such scrutiny in recent years, especially in regards to poor mental health, and now we are learning to rely on them heavily to stay mentally healthy. For now, they are a lifeline. Reach out to someone today.

Much love.

Xo